On the Edge of a New Life

Dear Sexologist,

I’m in the middle of divorcing my husband after 36 years together. Our sex life has been unsatisfying for years, and attempts at therapy didn’t help. I’m relieved to move on, but I’m also scared — about living alone, my finances, and whether I’ll ever meet someone again. Do you know many people who’ve found lasting love after 65? How do I keep fear from making me second-guess leaving? — On the Edge of a New Life

Dear New Lifer,

Mazel Tov on your next chapters! So many people expressed condolences when I told them about my divorce – I wish more would have been encouraging about the next part of the journey. Because the truth is, all relationships have value – they teach us what we want more of and what we want less of. Here’s a quick tool to stop your second-guessing: imagine how your life will be in ten years if you don’t make this change, being completely honest about the state of the relationship as it is today. You are definitely not alone and when I ask partnered people in similar situations as you describe, 95% shudder to think about wasting the next decade.

So while fully honoring your fears about being alone and finances, I suggest you not focus on second marriage statistics. Instead, remember “Comparison is the thief of joy”. Let me share something from Psychology Today you may not have considered: women who are single later in life tend to feel happier and more at ease. So know that whether there is a “next love” around the corner for you, now or in ten years, you are on a good path which beats unsatisfying sex and the futility of failed therapy. I acknowledge that the transitions are challenging… As Tom Petty said, “The waiting is the hardest part”.

On that note, taking action on a regular basis means you’re not playing the victim game.

(a) Refresh the friendships you already have in your life – we ALL have people in our lives we’ve lost touch with, and

(b) Meet new people both in your community and online (whether on dating sites or in social network groups discussing things you like, from equestrian to pickleball!)

And finally, something from our Great Dating Reset program: write in your journal “Why I Want to Date Again”. Many people see the gift, realizing they don’t need a partner for much of their list. Shared meals? Family or friends! Music concerts? Family or friends! Travel together? Family or friends! Shared housing? Cohousing, roommates, or intentional community. And when you have all those needs met, then you can layer in a special relationship coming not from neediness but abundance. This is an exciting time where you get to design your life consciously – cherish this moment.