Cautious in Colorado

Dear Sexologist,

I’m a 71-year-old man, divorced after 21 years of marriage. Neither of us strayed; my ex simply wanted to spend more time with her kids and grandkids. Neither of us has dated since.

Recently, I read a discussion about sex after 60, and it seems many women in relationships expect — and often want — more intimacy than they did when they were younger. My libido has slowed since my 50s, and I’m worried about disappointing someone who wants a more active sex life. How do I approach dating without misleading someone about my sexual pace or needs? — Cautious in Colorado

Dear Cautious CO,

Thanks for sharing the synopsis of your divorce and assessment of your sex life. Indeed you are correct – many women in their prime know their bodies better than when they were young, are done with shame of past chapters, and looking for partners who want to co-create pleasure within a safe, trusting container.

Some of them worry about scaring a partner off with their desire just like you’re concerned about your lack of desire. The point I talk about regularly is communicating honestly about the things that matter to you and asking questions about the things that matter to a prospective partner.

You might mention, in a phone call or Zoom call or even in pre-meeting messaging, that you are aware your body and drive aren’t the same as in your 30’s – then ask if they can relate. Have genuine dialogue about the things that matter – it might turn them off but if so, they weren’t meant for you anyway!

Being vulnerable is a beautiful strength in relationship so this shows where you are coming from out of the gate. You might also find your libido comes back with a safe, trusting, sexy companion. Do check back with an update!

Aloha,
Paul