Once Burned, Twice Shy

Dear Sexologist,

I’m recently 65 and have learned that sex creates a strong emotional bond for me — one that often blinds me to obvious red flags. I’ve been divorced multiple times, and casual sex has never worked out well for me. I’m beginning to think I should only have sex within marriage… but I also know marriage may not be in my future. Is it possible to date seriously without sex on the table? Or am I setting myself up to be alone? — Once Burned, Twice Shy

Dear Burned & Shy,

I hear your concern and honor it -- the future is difficult to predict! I’m not sure I’ll ever marry again, though I love being in deep relationship which includes sexuality.

Let me begin by calling out your limited, binary perspective: casual sex or sex within marriage. I work regularly with people who want something in-between, more than a fling and less than a ring, so it’s definitely possible! And, it is possible to date without sex on the table if you’ve decided to remove from the table (this choice will narrow your dating pool however).

Regardless of what you decide to pursue, the magic dust is in asking good questions in person or via text messaging to learn what THE OTHER PERSON wants and whether they’re on the same page with you. We call this “cultivating authintimacy” (a mashup of authenticity and intimacy – which is distinct from sexuality).

Oh and my clients of all genders work through a series of exercises to identify their red flags so others in the group can hold them accountable for OBSERVING them. Ask for help from a trusted friend if you don’t join our group!

Aloha,
Paul